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After a stressful day working at the kiosk, I love to go home, fill up a bath, scream into the water, and then drain all my screams away! Jun 13th reply retweet fwd
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Ive been letting an oversized iron serving spoon rust on my back deck for seven years. And today its finally ready to bring inside and hang! Jun 13th reply retweet fwd
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I'm supposed to teach sex ed to the neighborhood children today, but I don't know if I have time to go home and blow a glass vulva. Jun 13th reply retweet fwd
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I've decided to make my house more green AND spice up my lovemaking by adding a trellis to my bedroom! Jun 13th reply retweet fwd
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Forgot to take off my necklace before getting into the sweat lodge and now I have the shape of a Mexican Gray Wolf melted into my clavicle. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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I had that wolf dream again. The one where I'm making love to a wolf and then I hear a man howling in the distance. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Sad that in this day and age, you can still be stopped by police on the street for wearing "just" clay. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Tonight's the Carnal Goddess Spiritual Center's talent show. I'm going to weave myself into a cocoon of yak fur to Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams." Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Theres limited space in the yurt, so make your talent show reservations now. And bring your bedtime amethysts because its also a sleepover. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Apparently, Dina, Trish, and Yolanda are all doing breathing exercises for their talents tonight. Try a little originality, guys. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Who can pick up 1100 quarts of milk and a pumice stone for my friend Paloma's talent show piece? Shes stuck in her Queer Musicology class. Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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My ex-husband Inotar says hes technically allowed to come to the women-only talent show tonight. Goddamn his new vagina. (But I support it.) Jun 14th reply retweet fwd
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Can't believe I'm going on stage after Zaida's trained alpacas! Was very nervous, but mixed a Klonopin with a kale shooter and now I'm zen. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Im doing my talent show piece now, tweeting from inside the yak cocoon! Last time I was in one of these I was helping my sister give birth. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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What a glorious morning! I highly recommend doing a sun salutation with an erect penis inside of you. Gracias Eduardo. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Little slow at my jewelry kiosk today even with the sale on coyote tooth nipple pendants. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Todays the anniversary of me accidentally ravaging my mons pubis on that outdoor fire pit and the last time I EVER shopped at World Market. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Theres nothing more sensual to me than a man's breath on my cesarean scar. That fibroid back in 2003 was a blessing in disguise. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Want a fun way to watch the sunset? Strap two kaleidoscopes to your eyes and pump up your favorite Big Head Todd and the Monsters song. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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There's no one on this Earth I love more than my children dolls. Jun 15th reply retweet fwd
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Woke up this A.M. covered in pesto and fimo beads out by the koi pond. Might have made the mushroom tea a little strong last night. Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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Sometimes I fasten a handful of downy heather into a makeshift sanitary napkin and pretend that I can still menstruate. Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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A Crisis Apparition just interrupted my algae bath to warn me about the alchemist Im dating. But I just cant help loving danger and metals! Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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Hosting an adult slip-n-slide tonight on Old Pecos trail. Everyone bring a gallon of herbal Chokecherry body lotion and a zest for touching. Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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Uh oh! Paloma's making some suds on the slip-n-slide with a soap she made of elk fat and dragonfruit. It's turning into a foam party! Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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Left another velveteen pouch of crystals at the abandoned Los Alamos train depot. Need to start tying them around my ankle during congress. Jun 16th reply retweet fwd
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Just transformed my old Bowflex into a powerful natural birthing apparatus. One step closer to the Part-Time Midwife of the Year Award!! Jun 17th reply retweet fwd
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Whoo! My creative juices are flowing today and they smell like avocado and unwashed culottes. Jun 17th reply retweet fwd
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My friend's all-doula fiddle band is letting me sit in with them tonight. Excited to finally pick up the bone flute again after my accident. Jun 17th reply retweet fwd
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Starting my new volunteer project tomorrow! I'm going to be helping milk new mothers. Jun 17th reply retweet fwd
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At the "A Woman's Body: The Fifth Ocean" art exhibit and everyone had to arrive soaking wet. The experience was empowering and freezing. Jun 18th reply retweet fwd
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Napping in the sun, fermenting soybeans under my breasts for dinner. Jun 19th reply retweet fwd
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There was a woman in my Jivamukti class this morning who did not break wind. It was disgusting. Jun 20th reply retweet fwd
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When I die, I want my remains to be ground into a fine pâté and served at a ball where all the guests are carnivorous animals in tuxedos. Jun 20th reply retweet fwd
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Made papier-mâché scrotum casts for all the fathers on my street yesterday. Theyve finished hardening, so come by my lawn and pick them up! Jun 20th reply retweet fwd
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Luis and I are crushing grapes between our legs to make my annual vat of Summer Solstice thigh wine. Everyone shine your goblets! Jun 20th reply retweet fwd
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Paloma just dared me to google image search "office building". Don't EVER do that unless you want to be sick. Jun 20th reply retweet fwd
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My favorite girls' names if I could have children: Coriander, Forsythia, Breath, Tansy, Vishpala Lakshmibai, Tarragon, Thicket, Carly Simon. Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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Most masculine names rub me the wrong way, so favorite boys names are: Whisper, Trinket, Feathers, and Ceremony. Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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Just cleaned out Bath and Body Works of their mango body butter (don't judge, I normally make my own) for my annual Solstice Steam Rave. Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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Barren Women: Summer Solstice doesnt have to JUST be a symbol of fertility, it can ALSO be the day you make love to a Pagan in a Steam Rave! Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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Steam Rave checklist: goblets, whipping reeds, damask pillows, sitar quartet, star anise, body butter, clothes (only if its opposite day!) Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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Its terrible having such long hair in this Steam Rave but I'm still growing it out to eventually make a hair hammock for someone in need. Jun 21st reply retweet fwd
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I don't believe in sleeves. My arms have done nothing to deserve being placed in such a prison. That's why all of my tops are draped. Jun 22nd reply retweet fwd
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This clairvoyant is amazing. She said I was having trouble with my ovaries, and I am! I haven't been able to find them since I cleaned. Jun 22nd reply retweet fwd
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A jaguar wandered into my yard and now Im napping on him. Dont worry, Im safe. Its my reincarnated first boyfriend that died on a walkabout. Jun 22nd reply retweet fwd
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Starting a nude human knot in twenty. Come by my yard if you want in. Jun 22nd reply retweet fwd
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Making a clay mold of my torso to turn into a chips and dip bowl. Looking forward to having two sizable scoops for the dips. Jun 22nd reply retweet fwd
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Thinking about starting a new charity to macrame nice floor mats for people who live out of their vans. Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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At an abandoned mine in the ghost town of Ancho, collecting some broken glass, base metals, and knotted rope to make my niece a purse! Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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My ex-husband Inotar just came by to borrow my Fair-trade Sequin Sari Camisole to wear on his first birthday as a woman. He looked medium. Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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Marinating my back deck as a present to all my favorite neighborhood wolves. Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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Please say a prayer for my man friend, Eduardo, who shattered his pubic bone this morning falling off my tantric trampoline. Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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The desert sands always find a way to gather in my navel when I'm dune fondling. Jun 23rd reply retweet fwd
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My beloved Eduardo always leaves me a treat when he departs in the morning. Today, I awoke to find a gecko painted on my perineum. Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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You know you've crafted a successful nose ring when its wearer's most seductive orifice becomes her moist nostril. Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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It's Zaida's turn to pick the movie for movie night and she chose home video of her own water birth. We get it Zaida, you can have children. Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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First time making love in my bedroom in months! I never did during the winter, because it felt weird with all the migratory birds watching. Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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Decided to start bottling my nectar. Let me know if you'd like a jug. (I need a month's notice.) Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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I'm going on a cleanse starting tomorrow where I just drink lemon juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and bear semen for 10 days. Jun 24th reply retweet fwd
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Finally defecated out that earring I swallowed last month. I love this cleanse!!! Jun 25th reply retweet fwd
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Fun Rustic Decorating Tip: Only have furniture in your home that's been half-destroyed in a fire. Jun 26th reply retweet fwd
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Tad hungry on Day 2 of cleanse, but reminding myself that I want to fit back into last year's Burning Man elf costume. Jun 26th reply retweet fwd
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This Cleanse would be more difficult, but I'm constantly nourished by the wind. Jun 26th reply retweet fwd
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Oh my goddess! There is a bird at my dried yak bladder birdfeeder that's singing note-for-note "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone"! Jun 26th reply retweet fwd
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Cleanse Day 3: so energized! Already mulched tantra garden, gave myself an acai colonic, and whipped up an herbal ball soak for Eduardo. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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I've always wanted to find a way to make a pair of shoes where you slip your feet into the bodies of two sheep and then they walk for you. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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I always bring a sound machine to hotels. Cant sleep without the soothing sounds of woodland creatures licking their anuses clean nearby. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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Takes 1 hour for an echo to bounce back in Chaco Canyon. Also for a wolf to track the scent of coitus. So scream "RUN" right when you start. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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I've never been a fan of French kissing, I much prefer Salvadorian kissing where your tongue licks around the outside of the mouth. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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Still looking for a masseuse who can get the tension out of my cervix. Jun 27th reply retweet fwd
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Fourth day of cleanse: aside from a bit of vertigo and the occasional taste of sandal leather in my mouth, feeling groovy! Jun 28th reply retweet fwd
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Want to move to my street? My oracle/part-time real estate agent says a house will open up soon because one of my friends is going to die. Jun 28th reply retweet fwd
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This cleanse has taken a turn. I am starving. Does it count if I eat my uterus since it's already been inside me? Jun 28th reply retweet fwd
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I haven't eaten anything with a face in 17 years, but I just held my neighbor's toddler in my mouth for 8 mins. Very close. #Day5Cleanse Jun 29th reply retweet fwd
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Oh no. Calista and Harrison just arrived for the summer and she's already performing a one-woman "Midsummer Night's Dream" out on her lawn. Jun 29th reply retweet fwd
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If I weren't so weak from this cleanse, I would throw a few heirloom tomatoes at that show-off Flockhart. Jun 29th reply retweet fwd
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Calista Flockhart's showing me the "expensive new longhorn" above her mantle. But I'm no idiot. Those are clearly her 11th and 12th ribs. Jun 29th reply retweet fwd
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Erecting a totem pole in my front yard to commemorate myself. Come on by! Jun 29th reply retweet fwd
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Best thing about being a part-time ultrasound technician is doing make-believe sonograms for all my barren friends. They love to pretend! Jun 30th reply retweet fwd
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Cut myself doing metallurgy work in my Inspiration Shed and stuck a snow pea in the wound just to have food in my body. #day6cleanse Jun 30th reply retweet fwd
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Favorite Smells: seawater, patchouli, tin being smelted, myrrh, cedar, my urine during a UTI, desert sage, ejaculate mixed with dew, pine. Jun 30th reply retweet fwd
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Spending the afternoon turning lemons into lemonade by planting apricot seeds in my enormous navel. Jul 1st reply retweet fwd
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Favorite sounds: turning my rainstick, twigs cracking under nude buttocks, Stevie Nicks' talking voice, coyotes copulating, bassoon. Jul 1st reply retweet fwd
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Just went in a lake and accidentally caught two fish on my ears. I always forget that most of my earrings are technically tackle. Jul 2nd reply retweet fwd
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Just walked by Joni Mitchell! Only she had the body of a gila monster and held a crossbow. The hallucinations have begun! #Day8cleanse Jul 2nd reply retweet fwd
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Favorite Sights: my nipples in the setting sun, Calista Flockhart crying, Eduardo wearing only his Apache war cap, several rings on one toe. Jul 2nd reply retweet fwd
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Is anyone else's clitoris still ringing from the July 1st solar eclipse? Jul 3rd reply retweet fwd
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Favorite tastes: steaming tempeh pellets, Eduardo's armpit musk, 3-day-old yerba mate, cinnamon-soaked testicles, raccoon face. Jul 3rd reply retweet fwd
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Hosting an alternative, 100% organic fireworks show tomorrow night using only bodies. Come on by! Jul 3rd reply retweet fwd
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Quick remedy for menopausal hot flashes: home-blended sea bean popsicle nesting against your vaginal wall. Cool u right down. Jul 5th reply retweet fwd
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Why did no one at this BBQ tell me I had vegan mustard on my areola? Jul 5th reply retweet fwd
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Got pulled over for having no headlights on. But you don't need headlights when you drive with your eyes closed, guided by your heart. Jul 6th reply retweet fwd
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Favorite Touches: braided bearskin rugs, my rutabaga-shaped leg mole, skinned concordia grapes, Gerard Depardieu's nasal cavity, man smegma. Jul 6th reply retweet fwd
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I don't understand women who rip out their pubic pelts and get a "brazilian". Every man who's entered me has loved my "dream catcher". Jul 6th reply retweet fwd
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Mega sale at my kiosk: custom-made turquoise belly button lanyards for half price!! Come on down! RT and spread the word! Jul 6th reply retweet fwd
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Can you help me find other people named Diane? Im looking to organize a Calming Bath where all us Dianes can wash each other and de-stress. Jul 7th reply retweet fwd
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Oops! Accidentally switched my mature women's multi-vitamins with my organic, fair trade rohypnols, so lights out for me for a few hours. Jul 7th reply retweet fwd
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Ugh, Calista Flockhart got drunk on hand sanitizer and passed out in my Navajo basket drum. Jul 7th reply retweet fwd
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Nothing's more invigorating than a summer rain shower after you've been making love to a searing hot stone carving of Odysseus. Jul 7th reply retweet fwd
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Calista Flockhart's still blacked out. Had to take her home in my antique rickshaw, just like last summer when she got her kneecaps removed. Jul 7th reply retweet fwd
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Just made gluten-free bread by sewing individual grains of quinoa into the shape of toast. Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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I wish Alekya Lahni was on Twitter for #FF! Shes my medium/crystal gazer who can help you speak with future, dead versions of your friends. Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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Oh sweet lord, are we jammin on these pan flutes outside of the Georgia O'Keefe museum right now! We are tearing IT UP! Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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Zazzed and devastated to be in The Guinness Book of World Records for longest Djembe drum solo (137 min) and most miscarriages (also 137). Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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Ugh, have to go to another one of Rafaela's boring orgies tonight. I always end up in the oil pit with a dentist. Snoozefest. Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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In some of my past lives Ive been a secretary bird, a Mojave desert ghost flower, a Tibetan sand fox and Carl Jung's eldest daughter Agathe. Jul 8th reply retweet fwd
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Just arrested collecting river stones in the Rio Grande. I forgot a bag, so I was using nature's basket, which is apparently "lewd conduct". Jul 9th reply retweet fwd
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Postponing my cross-country road trip to all the places Carly Simon has made love. I want to see those lighthouses and bridges, bail me out! Jul 11th reply retweet fwd
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Never volunteer to read palms in a New Mexico jail cell because so many readings end with "youre going to die in a New Mexico jail cell." :( Jul 11th reply retweet fwd
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Forty years ago today, I lost my virginity to a very wise Comanche river boat captain. Sad that he's probably long gone, as he was 70 then. Jul 11th reply retweet fwd
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Getting rid of things I don't need anymore. Who wants some unused menstrual cups and the name Coriander for a daughter? Jul 11th reply retweet fwd
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Santa Fe buildings dept once again rejected my proposal to build a new rec center completely out of bodily fluids and cilantro. Jul 12th reply retweet fwd
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Ugh, Calista Flockhart's mad at me because I mistook her for a shovel and started gardening with her. But she didnt notice at first either! Jul 12th reply retweet fwd
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To this day, I can't eat jicama or have a bisexual encounter without weeping tears of joy for my life-changing night with Ram Dass in 1974. Jul 12th reply retweet fwd
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Putting my toilet in front yard. It's time to stop feeling shame for our bodies natural excretions. Suggestions for where to put the T.P.? Jul 12th reply retweet fwd
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I just want to clarify, T.P. stands for totem pole. It's important to acknowledge our ancestors while we evacuate our insides. Jul 12th reply retweet fwd
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I just welcomed the first resident to my halfway house for pregnant, transexual, biracial, ambidextrous, vegetarian, telepathic runaways! Jul 13th reply retweet fwd
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Volunteering with the blind/deaf/mute. I gave them organic candy and they've already learned to say, "Where's our other teacher?". SO PROUD! Jul 13th reply retweet fwd
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Just made some earrings that perfect sterling silver replicas of my nipples. One's just a little larger than the other. Jul 13th reply retweet fwd
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Eduardo and I are giving up utensils and only eating out of the folds in each other's skin. Soup is a little difficult. Jul 14th reply retweet fwd
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Everyone come by the kiosk. I've got a new shipment of Genital Tinsel in. Just drape it over your genitals for a festive look. Jul 14th reply retweet fwd
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I JUST ACCIDENTALLY DROVE OVER SOME EUCALYPTUS FLOWERS AND THERE ARE STAMENS ALL OVER MY TIRES!!! I CANT STOP SOBBING, I'M A MURDERER!!!!!!! Jul 14th reply retweet fwd
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In memory of the flowers I just killed, I am hosting a bottomless charity bareback horse race through town. No pants or saddles allowed! Jul 14th reply retweet fwd
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The only way I can eat candy is if Eduardo breaks it up and hides it in an Echinacea capsule. Otherwise, BLECH. Jul 15th reply retweet fwd
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If I were to ever get married for a fourth time, I would do it in a dense swamp, covered in a thick fog, and just breathe our vows. 6 days ago reply retweet fwd
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My hair's getting so long! I have to wash it in sections now because if I get all of it wet at the same time, the weight will snap my neck. 6 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Havent worn shoes in 7 years---its so freeing!! Only downside is if you saw a picture of my feet, you wouldnt know you were looking at feet. 6 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Bottling my own natural erotic lubricant - a mixture of coconut oil, yam pulp, and underbreast perspiration. Pick up at the kiosk! 3 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Having the girls over for chardonnay and post-menopausal cream Femarone 17. Cant wait to get tipsy/combat vaginal dryness and mood swings! 3 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Even though my last marriage didn't work out, I'll never get rid of my wedding ring. In part because I can't get it off my toe. 3 days ago reply retweet fwd
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In my 30s, I was only ever able to achieve orgasm if the sex was part of an art installation. 3 days ago reply retweet fwd
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What it is about organic, eco-friendly, fair-trade, dolphin-safe, paraben-free hemp stirrup pants that always makes them ride up? 2 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Eduardo and I just took a big step in our relationship. He just gave me the keys to his detoxifying colonic hydrotherapy hut. 2 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Fell in mud gardening naked. If you have an issue youre passionate about, tell me and Ill walk around using my muddy body as a symbol of it! 2 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Life is all about spontaneity. That's why I just ate a random pill off the ground in the Whole Foods parking lot. 2 days ago reply retweet fwd
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Is anyone interested in buying a sofa made of recycled diapers? I'm getting rid of mine. 1 day ago reply retweet fwd
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Thinking of going on another building fast, where I don't go inside any buildings for five years. Good for the soul. 1 day ago reply retweet fwd
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Alekya did my star chart today, and apparently, I should have died twenty-three years ago during a Tahitian cliff falling ritual. Whoa. 1 day ago reply retweet fwd
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There's something about a cabbage, after you swaddle it in a blanket and draw a face on it, that reminds me of a baby. 14 hours ago reply retweet fwd
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I'm teaching a class tonight at the Learning Annex about achieving climax when you're making love to your spirit animal. 12 hours ago reply retweet fwd
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Slept on my deck and sweat so much I created the 6th largest body of water in New Mexico. Off to buy plankton and squirrelfish to put in it! 11 hours ago reply retweet fwd
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Best sex of my life was with a medicine man who looked exactly like an older Edward James Olmos. Broke two beaded wall sconces that night. 10 hours ago reply retweet fwd
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Well, my art-based health class at the elementary school was shut down. Principal said kids "dont need to make a labia majora out of beans". 6 hours ago reply retweet fwd
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Al Napp
